I probably have cancer

Don't ask me how I know, I just know.

That sinking feeling

I thought to myself, what if I'm dieing.

Ah, shit. Where did that even come from? A few hours ago I was riding down the river, soaking up the sun, and enjoying life. Now I'm afraid to try and drift to sleep because my mind is frantically trying to wander.

I will admit that yesterday I thought I felt my heart do something. Just something. I caught it though. WTF are you doing Anna? Don't start.

I guess I can't just will myself to stop, though. I feel trapped in here with myself. It sometimes feels like my ship is sinking and taking me down with it. I'm just a normal young woman who has something broken inside of me. People who know me would never expect that, behind closed doors, I am so out of control of myself. I don't seem like that kind of person. When there is an emergency people look to me for help. But I can handle that. Its normal things that get me.

I take comments to heart. Quips about my car being messy. Women of a certain size need a... good bathing suit.  Its like a knife in my back when I know it shouldn't be.

Taking a difficult test brings on huge bouts of fear and doubt. I mean, its a damn test, but I find it terrifying. A person collapses on the floor in front of me and I jump into action. Ask me about biology and I flip my shit. (Not exaggerating btw. Twice I've taken a lead in a medical emergency, but I still find myself nearly non-functional when it comes to testing.)

I hate when I lay down at night, disappointed in myself already, and my mind begins to drift. Failure. Illness. The black endlessness of death. Everything I ever did that was embarrassing ..... 

Once the faucet has been turned it seems impossible to stop. All I can do is drown in the high tide.

It's too awkward to talk about with my husband

I've got to begin this post with a disclaimer:
I love my husband.
I am happy with him.
I wouldn't change my relationship. Sometimes, I just wonder...

Part of intrusive thinking is not being able to control it, no matter how silly or possibly hurtful it might be for someone you love. I'm going to throw in a wikipedia link, in case you want a more thorough explanation of intrusive thoughts. (Secondary disclaimer: You can't quote wiki for scholarly purposes, blah blah blah. Luckily, this is a blog.)



So, I've been having thoughts about myself. These are really benign thoughts as far as intrusive, self oriented thoughts are concerned. I wonder, what is wrong with me?

I've had two serious boyfriends in my life. One of them stalked me for an unreasonable amount of time after I broke up with him. I married the other. I've had one or two guys who have been attracted to me, but all in all, dudes aren't knocking down my door. My husband has had to turn women away. Heck, his mother has guys out the door and she's certifiably insane! So, what is it about me?

I'm not saying that I want to cheat or something, I just wonder why people aren't attracted to me. I asked my husband if he ever feels jealous and he says no; he has nothing to feel jealous over. He says that I don't make myself available, so men don't approach. Take this with a grain of salt, if you will, but I want my husband to feel a little jealous every once in a while. It's... kind of hot.

What's more, having never been approached by men makes me feel more than a little unattractive. The few boys who have been interested got to know me. Is it too much to ask that someone look at me and think, "She is beautiful."

I don't know... thinking about this so much just seems unreasonable. I have a great husband and we've created a life that I love. Why much I be so stuck on this? It's not like I have any interest in leaving what I have. Perhaps I just want the chance to turn someone down...

That sounds terrible. I guess that's the full circle, though. 'It seems like everyone else has lots of people who like them... Even my insane mother in law has guys. I want the chance to know what that's like. I've only had a few guys ever interested. Is there something WRONG with me? There must be something. Am I weird? Am I ugly...?'

I guess I just don't feel attractive. But I understand that I'm not what people find attractive, going by normal standards. I feel afraid that if anything were to end my marriage, I would just be alone. It's stupid to spend so much time thinking about this. My relationship is solid. Why do I have to spend so much time thinking about it ending?

God, this is so stupid and frustrating. I wish that I could shut these thoughts down and appreciate what I have. Who cares if I never feel beautiful? I have something that even super hot people don't always find. I have a wonderful, handsome husband who loves me and turns down girl who are totally hotter than me. Score for me!

Did I keep you in a box?

I caught you years ago,
I tucked you in a habitat,
I tried to keep you comfortable,
I tried to keep you nourished,
But every night I closed the top,
Because I kept you in a box,
I even poked small holes for breathing,
But did I keep you from living.

I need a place to talk out my crazy

I guess that you need an introduction. My name is Anna. I suffer from anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive personality traits. I'm not a counter or a hoarder like you might see on tv. I'm much more boring than that. You can't see my affliction (unless it's one of those times I've pulled out my lashes and eyebrows) because my compulsions are imprisoned in my head.


Sorry it can't be more dramatic for you.


I find myself locked in my own psyche. Thoughts are constantly bouncing from end to end with no organization. I wish I could say that they are nice thoughts. Generally, though, they aren't. Anna, your parents hate you. Those people laughing over there, they're laughing at you. Your heart just did something weird, I swear, you're going to die, sry. Death is nothing but lonely, black silence where you maintain conscious thoughts despite being dead.


I know that this sounds normal. Things that people worry about all the time, right? But the last time I had a really bad episode, it was less than normal worries:


I haven't struggled this much in a long long time. Today I tried to eat crackers and was afraid of dying. So I drank broth made from a bouillon cube. Let's be honest, I probably felt like I was dying because I got NO sleep last night and because of the stress of being trapped in my own mind and because I hadn't eaten anything.


My aunt died in May. It started that night. I felt my heart do "something". I was gearing up to take on my personal white whale - a fucking chemistry class. After all the failing and fighting and insulting and sadness of my childhood, I was just so terrified of getting back into one of my problem classes.


I flashed back to the anger and disappointment on my mother's face and the smug pout as she quipped about being someone's maid. Since that's all I could possibly do. Getting cleaning supplies for Christmas... ugh. We didn't KNOW about my learning disability. Why would we check? I was considered "above average". I didn't know WHY I couldn't live up to "above average".


It's been a little over two months since the descent started. I think I'm dying every day. I love to paint my nails (I am/was an avid laquerista) but I cut them off so I can better document how healthy they look. I am checking my lymph nodes and they ARE a little sore, but it MIGHT be because I'm fucking poking them all the time! I spend an unreasonable amount of time with my hand on my heart. I'm not super patriotic, I'm making sure it's beating right. I have to stop myself from running to the blood pressure cuff every time I'm near a pharmacy. Sometimes I want to check it more than once. Let's be perfectly honest, my heart could very well be having abnormal palpitations, but it's probably from the stress of worrying about it.


I'm so so worried that I'm driving my fucking glorious husband insane. He says I'm not. I can't believe him. He says the stereotypical, "You need to shrug it off/get over it." I can't EVEN be upset because there's a tiny person inside my brain that is SCREAMING at me to get over it! The me that people are used to; who fights so hard to take back control from... whatever this thing is. That said, I've already decided that if I am dying I'm going to leave him. We're still young. he can find a nice girl who will live a long life instead of taking care of me while I die. I really really wish I could stop thinking about that every day.


I miss the days of pulling out my hair, intrusive thoughts, and repetitive stress dreams. I thought that was bad! I would trade all of my eyelashes and brows to beat this. I've had panic attacks before, but not multiple times a week. Not when I'm home alone and it SEEMS like I should be able to relax. I've never sat in a doctor's office and cried, "Is it my heart!?" No, it's the stress induced muscular tension. I feel totally encased in chaos. Fuck this pressure in my chest.


I passed chemistry. Something I never thought I'd do. I thought I would be able to take control back from myself. I took care of some of the back pain, apparently it's going to be a process. I still feel utter despair. I'm going to ruin my life. I'm going to ruin my beautiful marriage. I HAVE to get this under control. I just don't know what to do. My god what's wrong with me!?


I'm sorry that none of this makes sense. I sat down and I wrote it because I feel like I'm about to explode. Today I thought that maybe being dead was better than reverting my to my childhood. I can't say I'm suicidal. I mean, I wouldn't kill myself, but it seems like a fantasy. Just to be able to relax.