It's too awkward to talk about with my husband

I've got to begin this post with a disclaimer:
I love my husband.
I am happy with him.
I wouldn't change my relationship. Sometimes, I just wonder...

Part of intrusive thinking is not being able to control it, no matter how silly or possibly hurtful it might be for someone you love. I'm going to throw in a wikipedia link, in case you want a more thorough explanation of intrusive thoughts. (Secondary disclaimer: You can't quote wiki for scholarly purposes, blah blah blah. Luckily, this is a blog.)



So, I've been having thoughts about myself. These are really benign thoughts as far as intrusive, self oriented thoughts are concerned. I wonder, what is wrong with me?

I've had two serious boyfriends in my life. One of them stalked me for an unreasonable amount of time after I broke up with him. I married the other. I've had one or two guys who have been attracted to me, but all in all, dudes aren't knocking down my door. My husband has had to turn women away. Heck, his mother has guys out the door and she's certifiably insane! So, what is it about me?

I'm not saying that I want to cheat or something, I just wonder why people aren't attracted to me. I asked my husband if he ever feels jealous and he says no; he has nothing to feel jealous over. He says that I don't make myself available, so men don't approach. Take this with a grain of salt, if you will, but I want my husband to feel a little jealous every once in a while. It's... kind of hot.

What's more, having never been approached by men makes me feel more than a little unattractive. The few boys who have been interested got to know me. Is it too much to ask that someone look at me and think, "She is beautiful."

I don't know... thinking about this so much just seems unreasonable. I have a great husband and we've created a life that I love. Why much I be so stuck on this? It's not like I have any interest in leaving what I have. Perhaps I just want the chance to turn someone down...

That sounds terrible. I guess that's the full circle, though. 'It seems like everyone else has lots of people who like them... Even my insane mother in law has guys. I want the chance to know what that's like. I've only had a few guys ever interested. Is there something WRONG with me? There must be something. Am I weird? Am I ugly...?'

I guess I just don't feel attractive. But I understand that I'm not what people find attractive, going by normal standards. I feel afraid that if anything were to end my marriage, I would just be alone. It's stupid to spend so much time thinking about this. My relationship is solid. Why do I have to spend so much time thinking about it ending?

God, this is so stupid and frustrating. I wish that I could shut these thoughts down and appreciate what I have. Who cares if I never feel beautiful? I have something that even super hot people don't always find. I have a wonderful, handsome husband who loves me and turns down girl who are totally hotter than me. Score for me!