That sinking feeling

I thought to myself, what if I'm dieing.

Ah, shit. Where did that even come from? A few hours ago I was riding down the river, soaking up the sun, and enjoying life. Now I'm afraid to try and drift to sleep because my mind is frantically trying to wander.

I will admit that yesterday I thought I felt my heart do something. Just something. I caught it though. WTF are you doing Anna? Don't start.

I guess I can't just will myself to stop, though. I feel trapped in here with myself. It sometimes feels like my ship is sinking and taking me down with it. I'm just a normal young woman who has something broken inside of me. People who know me would never expect that, behind closed doors, I am so out of control of myself. I don't seem like that kind of person. When there is an emergency people look to me for help. But I can handle that. Its normal things that get me.

I take comments to heart. Quips about my car being messy. Women of a certain size need a... good bathing suit.  Its like a knife in my back when I know it shouldn't be.

Taking a difficult test brings on huge bouts of fear and doubt. I mean, its a damn test, but I find it terrifying. A person collapses on the floor in front of me and I jump into action. Ask me about biology and I flip my shit. (Not exaggerating btw. Twice I've taken a lead in a medical emergency, but I still find myself nearly non-functional when it comes to testing.)

I hate when I lay down at night, disappointed in myself already, and my mind begins to drift. Failure. Illness. The black endlessness of death. Everything I ever did that was embarrassing ..... 

Once the faucet has been turned it seems impossible to stop. All I can do is drown in the high tide.